Nikko Trip Part 2 - reflections on identity

One thing that was apparent during the trip was that...I did not fit in. I'm not blaming anyone for anything but...I was constantly reminded that I was different. When introduced, I was often "the American." To be fair, I wasn't like everyone else, and it was obvious whenever I spoke. Despite my fluency in the language, I have a distinctive ABC (American-born Chinese) accent. I'm usually not that self-conscious about it because I am confident in my language ability but after getting reminded about it constantly...yeah, it was not pleasant. Also, almost everyone was constantly speaking in Taiwanese, which I do not understand at all. It was even more embarrassing/inconvenient when Japanese people started speaking in Taiwanese as well.

Even though around 70% of the island speaks Taiwanese, I was never really in a situation where everyone spoke Taiwanese and I didn't. While I don't usually hang out with random groups of Taiwanese, most people I met usually spoke in Mandarin, even when I play sports with them. This got me thinking about the political and ethnic makeup of Taiwan.

A bit of background info for those unfamiliar, there are the original-province-people (OrPP), people who lived in Taiwan before the end of World War II, and the other-province-people (OtPP), people from mainland China who moved to Taiwan after WWII. The OrPP speak Taiwanese and there used to be a lot of tension between the two groups. Many people say that the tensions is mostly gone but while I agree it is a lot better now I feel that it still exists in some capacity that mostly appears in politics. There are obviously many exceptions, but in general, the OtPP support the ruling KMT party and are usually more affluent and urbanized. the OtPP tend to dislike the Japanese because of what happened in WWII. The OrPP tend to live more rural lives in the south and are less influenced by changes in Taiwanese society. They tend to have a more favorable impression of the Japanese. This is partially because of their experiences under Japanese colonial rule, especially when it is compared to the first few decades of KMT rule (Not proud of it but the KMT did oppress many when they first arrived in Taiwan). Unfortunately, to many, being Taiwanese means being OrPP and being able to speak Taiwanese.

My family is OtPP (both of my grandfathers were in the KMT army) and I never had the chance to learn Taiwanese. It never really bothered me because I had no cultural ties to the language at all. As a child you don't really notice these things. As an adult, you do. Despite explaining multiple times that even though I was born in America and have an accent I lived in Taiwan since I was six, I was constantly reminded that I was an American. They didn't say that I was not Taiwanese outright but it was implied that I was not like them.

To be fair, they are right. My identity is something that I have always wondered about. My background puts me in a rather unique situation. Growing up, I was never that involved with either American or Taiwanese pop culture. I knew parts of both but they were just parts. It was never a huge problem as I could deal with most things competently but I never felt that I truly belonged in either group. As a grew up I became more and more capable of adapting to my environment, yet I am still plagued by these bouts of insecurities when my identity is questioned. There is no doubt that I am closer to being American than Taiwanese. I admit that I am touchy about the subject of having an accent when speaking English. Yet I do know that I am different from a typical ABC and that I am a lot more "tai"/Taiwanese compared to most. There will always be aspects of the American cultural experience (ie. high school) that I will never be able to fully comprehend. In America, I definitely miss having the opportunity to speak in the language I am most comfortable in, Chinglish. But even in Taiwan, with such a small group of people with similar circumstances, it is close to impossible to find something with not only the same interests but also similar cultural interests. I would like to clarify that I love my friends and I feel very comfortable around them, but I guess there is always something more that can be added. However, I do feel that this is something that can be experienced by anyone and not just someone in my situation.

So yeah, I guess this post was a huge rant on how I felt insecure about my identity because I was (probably rightfully so) declared a someone who was different. I guess it does make sense that most Taiwanese who have enough interest in Japan to go study there would have closer ties to "original" Taiwanese culture (though they consider themselves original Taiwanese, they seem to disregard the actual native Taiwanese/aborigines). It is not something I thought about before and I guess it just kind of shocking to me how different I was compared to almost everyone else.